In the Picture, I’m Keeping Him Safe*

                                                          In the Picture, I’m Keeping Him Safe

In the picture
I’m holding him
keeping him safe.
We are in matching shirts
with somewhat matching smiles
on his first birthday.

Look at those fat little cheeks
and chubby legs
perilously perched for his picture.
Both of us squinting against the sun
or is it from some vision
of the years ahead.

In the picture
I’m holding him
keeping him safe.
We are anxiously waiting
to get to cake and ice cream
on the table just beyond.

He can’t fall.
I won’t let him.
That’s what big brothers do.
In-between the little squabbles
and fights between siblings.
But they are superficial
and meaningless
when it comes to my duty.
My charge of keeping him safe.

In the picture
I’m holding him
keeping him safe.
Oh, that I could go back to that.
If only I had been done better
and not been a part
of his last bicycle ride
just a few short years later.

Mother never said a word
in all the years that followed.
And I tried not to remember
tried not be aware
of how I failed.

In the picture
I’m holding him
keeping him safe.
And now it has been 21,855 days,
Fifty-nine years, ten months,
and one day
since that cruel,
unforgiving night.
I live with the memory
of when my charge
as the big brother
slipped away in a stupid act.

In the picture
I’m holding him
keeping him safe.

Michael Mathews
November 5, 2018
5:08 PM Monday
By the lake in the RV with memories gripping me by the throat